we went back to the house today to finish up and i was surprised that there were no tears. doll went around the place and said her goodbyes.. goodbye greenhouse, goodbye garage, goodbye kitchen, goodbye under stairs cupboard.. well you get the point. she remained very matter of fact about it and when she sat on my lap waiting for grandma to pick us up she said, "it is strange and exciting not having a house. we could live in the car... me and big boy will sleep in the boot, you papajoe and baby can sleep in the back and we can do our cooking in the front".
i did feel sad to say goodbye though.. just before getting into the car i looked through the window of the living room, the room i had hoped baby would be born in, and it occurred to me how many memories we had made in that house.
so much has changed since we moved to the fens 18 months ago. for a start we were only four then and now we are five. we have embarked on a home edding journey that was not our original plan but has been rewarding and challenging in equal measure. we have made interesting and inspiring friends. we have discovered a landscape that is both beautiful and bleak. we are more determined than ever that we can be together and happy, that we don't need high status jobs or loads of cash.
but doll is right, this feeling of floating not knowing what will happen next, it is strange. i am not scared, i sometimes feel that i should be, i try to be but i'm not. maybe as the end of the month approaches and our relatives hospitality is waning the fear will kick in. i will get back to you, let you know. but as for now i hope to enjoy being around my extended family and meeting a much awaited new baby girl. it is a good lesson in living for the moment, for the present. a lesson the kids were born knowing and seem to unlearn as they get older.
we may have no fixed abode but as a very wise person reminded me, we are at home when we are with our loved ones, so i am very much at home right where i am.