sometimes i have these days.. these real down, sulky, slumpy days. i have had these odd days most of my adult life sometimes its ok.. i can shake it off but sometimes it lasts days on end. the need to pack a bag and run for it niggling at the back of my mind. the little voice that says no one would miss you, in fact they would be better off without you.
today has been one of those days. i woke up cold (we are having some issues with our stove), always a bad start for me. i had a weird dream which had got me stressed about money. i am not someone who cares about money, i have a very "it will work out" attitude towards it. but this last month has been an expensive one and it unnerves me. to be honest i wallowed in it, and the pressure to get three kids and all our washing clean on the only sunny day we have had for a while totally panicked me and i lost it.
papajoe then insisted that he would take the kids out to the park.. instead of being grateful for the break i took this as a dig at my ability to look after them. i took it as him wanting to get himself and them away from horrible mummy. i got even more upset and unmanageable and so understandably he left.
first i was devastated, how could he abandon me, and then i felt terrible. it was me, i had pushed them all away. i am unbearable, of course they don't want to be around me. i went for a walk to calm myself down. i found myself marching, i became determined to catch them up, regardless of the fact they had gone in the van and i was on foot. i marched the three or four miles into beccles. by the time i got there i was so desperate to see them i hardly remembered to feel miserable but of course i had missed them. the park was filled with other happy families.
i tried to call but they didn't answer so after a sit in the church garden i began the walk back. this time as i walked at a more sensible pace i was able to enjoy the twists and turns in the path the poppies and dog roses lining grass and the hedgerows. how lucky i am to have such undulating beauty right on my doorstep. how lucky i am to have a family waiting at home for me, that love me even at my most unpleasant.
things are not always easy, and i thoroughly except to have crappy days, sometimes worse than crappy but also i will have good days, amazing jump in the air days, sometimes sing and dance days. i just need to open my eyes.. walk a bit slower and who knows what tomorrow will bring...